500SJ 谁帮我改下我刚刚写的这篇英文作文?

国妓米兰

题目大概是 现在越来越多的青少年放弃读大学而去只参加工作的,讨论好还是不好

Because scientific knowledge is increasing important in our technology world and in the practical world of jobs and careers, that we should spend sufficient time to accepted mathematics and science. This is not to say, however, with the society developing, more and more teenagers have abandoned their studies and scientific technology is probably more important than even for three reasons.
First of all, complete advance education can helps students become better self-discipline and subjective initiative. For instance, recent, report about the most of teenagers always complain his job was fully boring and them not have responsibility to his work, or even frequently changing job time and time again has becoming a barrier between teenager employees and employers. And this is important reason of unemployment is increasing and never degradation.
Secondly, studying scientific knowledge through course of university. Which will be benefit to learn high knowledge and good at operation modernize tools or machines. In addition, with the society developing of industry, the knowledge-intensive industry will instead of the labor-intensive industry.
Finally, scientific knowledge is valuable as an effect means to our goals. But neither technology, nor the early gets job. On which it is founded, decides with goals are best, or judges the moral value of the means we choose for their attainment.
  In conclusion, teenagers should not devote to the society for job too early. There areas of study augment and enhance learning in science and technology, as well as helping to preserve, the richness of our entire legacy while inspiring us to further it. Moreover, disciplines within the humanities provide methods and contexts for evaluating the morality of our




大家帮改下,改的好我送500SJ

[ 本帖最后由 国妓米兰 于 2007-10-27 13:12 编辑 ]

国妓米兰

真是个悲剧。。。

11

saf8221

如果要我用英文来写这样一个题目的话，我应该会这样写。

Last week, my friend xxx 。。。或者
There is a story in today's news, 。。。
然后讲述一个故事，这个故事和主题有高度相关性。
然后我可能会列举一些统计数据，然后以幽默的手法描绘一些现象来揭示数据背后的含义。
然后结尾，
I believe...
I hope...
或者 I'm not sure...but...


虽然我没有参加过什么正规的英语考试，但我个人认为这样的文章在任何一个外国老师眼里评介都不会太低。

saf8221

以我曾经的5年英伦求学的经验来看，ls某人说的对，没有一个外国人能看的懂这种文章。我读罗素的原版哲学史也没这么吃力。

站在过来人的角度，我只能给lz这样两个建议，每个句子不要超过10个单词。不要在文章中出现任何一个self-discipline，subjective initiative这种抽象单词，而用一个准确的实际现象来描述这个抽象概念。比如用study English every morning for years这种行为来描述self-discipline，用另一个实际现象来描述它的后果，如talking with american visitor for hours.

我个人认为，一篇描述大量实际现象的简单英文让人看了愉快，尤其当这些现象有着精确的逻辑关联性的时候。我认为绝大多数外国人应该也会喜欢。在意思清晰明了的情况下，语法错误可以忽略。怕的是没有任何语法错误却不知道讲些什么东西。一般情况下，后者经常在英文原版哲学书中出现。估计lz应该并没有向这方面努力的主观意愿。

Little7

  写的太费解了。

只能从头写，没法改。

tumnoob

。。。。

琴瑟琵琶

原帖由 老玻璃 于 2007-10-28 00:44 发表


agree or disagree的问题吗？
思维太中国化了，

说说我的思路

1 观点agree or disagree
2 论据 1，2，3  这样的格式：statement, explanation or example, implication 事实，为什么这么说，应用是什么
...

  you are english is goodest

老玻璃

原帖由 国妓米兰 于 2007-10-28 00:00 发表

阿玻你终于来了


题目就是现在越来越多的青少年中学毕业后不选择继续读大学而去工作

agree or disagree的问题吗？
思维太中国化了，

说说我的思路

1 观点agree or disagree
2 论据 1，2，3  这样的格式：statement, explanation or example, implication 事实，为什么这么说，应用是什么
3 总结下


agree： more economic(high cost of higher education), experience from early year(learning by doing), cash(independence), examples(Bill Gates or else who does not finish uni)

disagree: lack of knowledge(can only do simpler job or even the simplest in the begining), uni = good preparation(friends, future development), if finish uni or college, more opportunities, examples(many successful individuals from uni or college)

cret

怎么第一个单词就是BECAUSE...

国妓米兰

原帖由 老玻璃 于 2007-10-27 23:59 发表
题目完整的是什么？

阿玻你终于来了


题目就是现在越来越多的青少年中学毕业后不选择继续读大学而去工作

老玻璃

题目完整的是什么？

国妓米兰

anomaly我意思不是想练好作文

要练也不是来这里  我意思是这篇文章哪里写错了要改

说多了说我装B我不回了郁闷一天了我草

国妓米兰

原帖由 Levis'501 于 2007-10-27 18:14 发表
LZ你写的。..? 真假.

你大爷的不我写的谁写的

国妓米兰

我日
太多装B的了

我这是考雅思的作文
你们也都是刚刚四级水平就别来跟我2了

anomaly

原帖由 国妓米兰 于 2007-10-27 13:52 发表
500 对我来说是浮云
你们要改好
随便改的我不会给SJ

本来想认真改改，现在让我先说几句

先看这个第一句， 楼主你要是真想写好作文， 自己态度要端正
语法错误不是说不允许有， 但是你在依赖别人改之前， 自己应该先改一遍， 才能深刻的认识
你这个第一句就有这么多明显错误， 只能说明你态度很...............

Because scientific knowledge is increasing important in our technology world and in the practical world of jobs and careers, that we should spend sufficient time to accepted mathematics and science.

随便说两个你自己看第二遍都肯定能发现的
increasing -> increasingly
because ..... that ........ , 这个句子的主语跟动词在哪?
accepted mathematics and science  什么叫 accepted? mathematics 和 science 是并列关系么?
spend time to .. -> spend time on ...

下面说些涉及到含义的有问题的表达
scientific knowledge,
什么叫 scientific knowledge?
scientific 的意思你用之前查了么. scientific = of, relating to, or exhibiting the methods or principles of science
它指的是科学的方法或者原则， 而不是科学知识本身
比如有一个统计做得很严格， 我们可以说它很 scientific
然后， 就算你说的是科学知识
为什么是 science knowledge, 难道大学里只有 science knowledge?
就算接着你后面的说技术社会， 那我们姑且忽略文科. 那 engineering knowledge 呢? business/management 呢?
再后面, technology world and in the practical world of jobs and careers
这显然是你从什么中文思想翻译过来的, 我其实看不懂什么意思
当然， 我也翻不回中文,  "技术社会 并且 一个实用的工作的社会"?
那么一个 实用的 为什么 就要是 一个 学习 数学 和 "科学" 的呢?
那律师行不行? 医生行不行? 这些都是老外眼里的黄金职业
所以说第一句话， 就已经很大一堆破绽
如果是想从技术职业需要的知识讨论大学，合理一点的逻辑应该是
technology-driven world -> science/engineering knowledge is essential in technological career
并且 today's knowledge structure is so convoluted -> university education is indispensable for anyone who wants to acquire enough knowledge as the prerequisite of a technological career.

后面就不说了， 句子不是越长越好， 首先它必须正确. 我要是认真点评完........估计能写好长好长
好好改改， 多发点水晶

This is not to say, however, with the society developing, more and more teenagers have abandoned their studies and scientific technology is probably more important than even for three reasons.
First of all, complete advance education can helps students become better self-discipline and subjective initiative. For instance, recent, report about the most of teenagers always complain his job was fully boring and them not have responsibility to his work, or even frequently changing job time and time again has becoming a barrier between teenager employees and employers. And this is important reason of unemployment is increasing and never degradation.
Secondly, studying scientific knowledge through course of university. Which will be benefit to learn high knowledge and good at operation modernize tools or machines. In addition, with the society developing of industry, the knowledge-intensive industry will instead of the labor-intensive industry.
Finally, scientific knowledge is valuable as an effect means to our goals. But neither technology, nor the early gets job. On which it is founded, decides with goals are best, or judges the moral value of the means we choose for their attainment.
  In conclusion, teenagers should not devote to the society for job too early. There areas of study augment and enhance learning in science and technology, as well as helping to preserve, the richness of our entire legacy while inspiring us to further it. Moreover, disciplines within the humanities provide methods and contexts for evaluating the morality of our

Levis'501

LZ你写的。..? 真假.

dzbbc163

悲剧，估计放托福那也只有2－3分

=C.R=LanBinG

楼主先说明这文章是用来应付考试的?
CET4？6？还是考研?

还是为了提高水平?

小田鼠

这就是最悲剧的地方。。。IELTS的文章是拿给老外看的不是中国人。。。我那个朋友。。写的文章简单的我看的可怕。 。。。小学生一样，10几篇全部6分要么6。5。。我无语的

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 13:56 发表
。。不要翻译。。翻译会出很多问题。。楼上饿。。我很不同意，写文章就拿英文写，中文写永远是中国英文，就是你现在问题，因为中西文化差距很大，必须不能按照中国思路写西方文章

写作我有6分我就满足了

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 13:52 发表
。。。你不要受刺激。。其实很好改的。。自己慢慢把思路理理，不要往难写，往简单写

老师说简单的句子考试没分的

小田鼠

。。不要翻译。。翻译会出很多问题。。楼上饿。。我很不同意，写文章就拿英文写，中文写永远是中国英文，就是你现在问题，因为中西文化差距很大，必须不能按照中国思路写西方文章

小田鼠

。。。你不要受刺激。。其实很好改的。。自己慢慢把思路理理，不要往难写，往简单写

国妓米兰

500 对我来说是浮云
你们要改好
随便改的我不会给SJ

国妓米兰

我受刺激了

小田鼠

原帖由 anomaly 于 2007-10-27 13:38 发表
谁说的， 俺们大学生容易么

我没说大学生不好，大学生是不容易辛辛苦苦，读好大学，假设他复蛋毕业，一个月基本工资4000开始升，现在上海北京一套房子结婚可以用的话起码200W，不知道哪年还掉掉，太辛苦。不过大学英文作文的普遍现象就是太搞，写出来的文章词汇太大可惜人家。。英语国家的人看不懂。。

sheva7_1

我是TEM8。LZ找我改吧

AzraelComes

有点乱，没法改。要推倒重写。