500SJ 谁帮我改下我刚刚写的这篇英文作文?

国妓米兰

题目大概是 现在越来越多的青少年放弃读大学而去只参加工作的,讨论好还是不好

Because scientific knowledge is increasing important in our technology world and in the practical world of jobs and careers, that we should spend sufficient time to accepted mathematics and science. This is not to say, however, with the society developing, more and more teenagers have abandoned their studies and scientific technology is probably more important than even for three reasons.
First of all, complete advance education can helps students become better self-discipline and subjective initiative. For instance, recent, report about the most of teenagers always complain his job was fully boring and them not have responsibility to his work, or even frequently changing job time and time again has becoming a barrier between teenager employees and employers. And this is important reason of unemployment is increasing and never degradation.
Secondly, studying scientific knowledge through course of university. Which will be benefit to learn high knowledge and good at operation modernize tools or machines. In addition, with the society developing of industry, the knowledge-intensive industry will instead of the labor-intensive industry.
Finally, scientific knowledge is valuable as an effect means to our goals. But neither technology, nor the early gets job. On which it is founded, decides with goals are best, or judges the moral value of the means we choose for their attainment.
  In conclusion, teenagers should not devote to the society for job too early. There areas of study augment and enhance learning in science and technology, as well as helping to preserve, the richness of our entire legacy while inspiring us to further it. Moreover, disciplines within the humanities provide methods and contexts for evaluating the morality of our




大家帮改下,改的好我送500SJ

[ 本帖最后由 国妓米兰 于 2007-10-27 13:12 编辑 ]

clm123

。。。

小田鼠

悲剧。。IELTS。。

国妓米兰

原帖由 蔡国庆`` 于 2007-10-27 12:56 发表
太多了```````

这有好多啊
300字不到的

小田鼠

PM给我，我给你看下

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 12:56 发表
悲剧。。IELTS。。

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 12:57 发表
PM给我，我给你看下

这就是我写的摸半啊
还要PM什么?

小田鼠

practical多余 accepted用的很奇怪they studies  是THEIR。。随便看看这么多，你悲剧了，还有最大的问题是，外国人看不懂，你的逻辑太差了

sheva7_1

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 12:59 发表
practical多余 accepted用的很奇怪they studies  是THEIR。。随便看看这么多，你悲剧了，还有最大的问题是，外国人看不懂，你的逻辑太差了

不但是外国人，我这个中国人都觉得逻辑太差~

sheva7_1

怎么和高中生一样。1 2 3 ALL IN ALL~。。。。

国妓米兰

继续继续~

国妓米兰

原帖由 sheva7_1 于 2007-10-27 13:05 发表
怎么和高中生一样。1 2 3 ALL IN ALL~。。。。

我就是高中生

sheva7_1

原帖由 国妓米兰 于 2007-10-27 13:09 发表

我就是高中生

你男性生殖器官发育得挺早的

小田鼠

我最多给建议第1个建议就是，把文章简单化

luluka

CHINESE ENGLISH? 写英语文章要点写出来就好 不要那么多的大道理

国妓米兰

说点有用的
还有什么语法错误的?

小田鼠

我认识个浙大学生，词汇10W。。。写出来1000字文章老师要拿OXFORD字典来看。。看好永远是。。。it does;t make sense，绝对的悲剧。。。你写IELTS国内肯定叫你不要repetition用VARIOUS WORDS事实上绝对的悲剧。。我见过最简单的文章，里面单词初中3年纪就全认识，照样7分，写的简单的吓死人。。但是人家就是逻辑好，这种连接次HOWEVER啊什么都不太用的，逻辑是内在的不是靠外在的

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 12:59 发表
还有最大的问题是，外国人看不懂，你的逻辑太差了

你是外国人?

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 13:14 发表
我认识个浙大学生，词汇10W。。。写出来1000字文章老师要拿OXFORD字典来看。。看好永远是。。。it does;t make sense，绝对的悲剧。。。你写IELTS国内肯定叫你不要repetition用VARIOUS WORDS事实上绝对的悲剧。。我见 ...

我有那么强我还发8DA?

luluka

And this is important reason of unemployment is increasing and never degradation.

我看不懂2个IS?- -

小田鼠

complete advance education can helps students become better self-discipline and subjective initiative
就改语法是completely advanced education can helps students become better 后面的东西。 。我看的懂，不过我保证老外看不懂。。。不改了，像TOPIC SENTENCE你这种COMPLETELY根本就不要去用他，TOPIC SENTENCE就是要clarity，你看看IELTS的READING。。。自己看他的逻辑和用词把1~4的见桥都看掉保证你作文PASS，本人英文很差只有点短见，末笑

国妓米兰

1~5我的阅读我看过...
没感觉写作进步多少...

国妓米兰

原帖由 小田鼠 于 2007-10-27 13:18 发表
complete advance education can helps students become better self-discipline and subjective initiative
就改语法是completely advanced education can helps students become better 后面的东西。 。我看的懂， ...

SJ 也不要了?

国妓米兰

原帖由 luluka 于 2007-10-27 13:17 发表
And this is important reason of unemployment is increasing and never degradation.

我看不懂2个IS?- -

这是失业率增加从来没有下降过的重要原因

小田鼠

要细读。。一个字一个字读，读好你找主位并，然后找逻辑，我感觉TOFEL的文章逻辑比IELTS的好，文章你写的简单，越简单越好，语法少错，逻辑强，SUPPORT一定要强烈但是简单，这样又不容易错，又容易拿分，至少6。5随便拿的

国妓米兰

because is kinda informal word, sounds not good enough here.

you can say

nowadays, knowledge has played an important role in...